I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I intend to get homeless drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just want to make out with him forever
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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