I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
