If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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