Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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