Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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