Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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