3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
