haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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