Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
