I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
