my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
