2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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