Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
