I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
