I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
