everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
