Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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