I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Vodka?
Forever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
