his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
