haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
