today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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