a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
