and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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