I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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