Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
