he puts the penis in happiness.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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