I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
