i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
