soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
