roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
