your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
