My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Even my vagina gasped.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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