Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
