Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
