dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
