this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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