I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
