also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
