Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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