He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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