I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
