it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
