I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
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