You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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