if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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