everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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