Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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