Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
