I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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