Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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