Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
