Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
