Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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