omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
